Category: Relationships

A religious reformer, writer, mystic, Doctor of the Church, founder of seventeen monasteries and, perhaps most importantly of all, a charming and wholesome human being.  Who can I be referring to?  The sixteen century Carmelite called Teresa of Avila.  Here is a little taste of her life and spirituality.

Teresa of Avila was a woman who was down to earth and full of practical common sense.  She was a mystic who had her feet firmly planted on the ground.  When one of her more pious Carmelite sisters criticised her for enjoying a well-cooked bird, she immediately replied, “Sister, there is a time for penance and a time for partridge.”  Teresa believed that the Lord can be found among the pots and pans.  Her spirituality was not detached from everyday things and everyday living.  It was an integral part of everyday things and everyday living.  Her God was a God who was personally involved in the business of her life.  She believed that the God, who revealed himself in and through the humanity of Jesus, was revealing himself in and through her humanity too.

Teresa had a great sense of humour.  For her religion should make us cheerful. She once exclaimed, “May the Lord protect us from sour-faced saints!”  As she travelled throughout Spain founding new Carmelite monasteries Teresa had to put up with plenty of inconvenience and hardship.  On one occasion when all of this was obviously getting her down she complained to the Lord, “If this is the way you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few of them!”  Towards the end of her life Teresa agreed to have her portrait painted by a Carmelite brother by the name of John. When she saw the finished product she turned to Brother John and said, “God forgive you Brother John for you have made me fat and bleary-eyed!”  It is refreshing to meet a saint who did not take herself too seriously.

Without doubt Teresa of Avila’s most important contribution to the Christian tradition has to do with prayer.  She is the great teacher in the art of prayer.  Teresa is clear and adamant: If we want a relationship with the Lord then we must spend time in personal prayer and do this regularly.  Her teaching on prayer is perhaps best summed up in these words, “In my opinion, prayer is an intimate sharing between friends; it means taking time frequently to be alone with the one whom we know loves us.”  For Teresa, prayer is about the experience of friendship, a friendship that satisfies the longing in our hearts for unconditional love. Teresa knew the Lord as an intimate friend and she wants us to experience his intimacy too.

Christians believe that God is a Trinity of Persons, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  In other words, Christians believe that there is a community life in the reality we call God.  One way to find out what this means is to read the Scriptures.  Another way is to explore our human experience.  If God has created us and our world, and if God is Trinity, then the Trinitarian life of God must be reflected in our human lives in all sorts of ways.

An obvious way is our social nature.  We are social beings.  We create relationships and we sustain relationships.  In fact, without relationships we wither and die emotionally, even physically.  John Donne once said that no man is an island unto himself.  We cannot survive in isolation.  It is in living with others, it is in loving others, that we find meaning and that we become our true selves.

Another way is the power of cooperation.  When it comes to a project, a task, an undertaking, the best results are usually achieved when there is cooperation, when people work together as a team.  Ask any sports person, any project manager, any government and they will tell you that the team effort is the best effort, it is the most fruitful and successful effort.  It is also the effort that gives most satisfaction and fulfilment to all those involved.

Then there is the unity of creation.  One of the things we are becoming more aware of today is the way creation functions.  The created world is interdependent.  One part of it affects another.  For example, the cutting down of the rain forests in South America has an impact on climate patterns in Europe and Africa.  The laws of nature are finely balanced and when they are allowed to work together in unity and harmony they fulfil their purpose.

And finally, there is this attempt by a woman to describe what trinity means in her life:

“I am a daughter and a wife and mother – three things, yet I am one totality.  To my parents, I would always be their child.  To my husband, a companion and a mate.  To my children, the one who gave them birth and nurtured them till they reached adulthood.  I seem to each of them a different person.  They each know a different kind of ‘me.’  But I am one, within myself a trinity and each of them finds unity in me.”

A number of years ago I was in Cyprus on a family holiday.  The apartment block where we were staying was in a semi-rural location.  Very early one morning I heard some noise outside. I went on to the balcony to find out where the sounds were coming from.  In the field right next to the complex I saw a shepherd grazing his sheep. Leaning against his shepherd’s staff he was talking to his sheep as they enjoyed eating the grass. He moved around the field from one place to another and as he did so the sheep naturally followed him.  It was a wonderful insight into the relationship between a shepherd and his sheep in that part of the world.  It was obvious that there was a close bond between them, a bond built on personal knowledge and trust.

There are two things each one of us needs to know from Jesus.  The first: Does Jesus know me personally?  The second: Can Jesus be trusted?  In describing himself as the Good Shepherd Jesus is saying a very definite ‘yes’ to both these questions.

I am a name to Jesus, not just a number.  Jesus says to me, “I have called you by your name, you are mine.”  “I have carved your name on the palm of my hand.”  Perhaps no place in scripture better describes the personal knowledge Jesus has of each one of us than Psalm 139.  “O God you search me and you know me.  You know my resting and my rising. You mark when I walk or lie down. All my ways lie open to you.  Before ever a word is on my tongue you know it, O Lord, through and through…….”  We should have no reason to doubt that Jesus knows us personally and intimately.  Indeed Jesus knows us better than we know ourselves.

If Jesus knows us so intimately then surely we can trust him.  Jesus is on our side.  He is certainly not out to get us!  He is always seeking to do the right thing for us.  Jesus wants what is best for us.  Jesus knows what is best for us. If Jesus wants the very best for each of us then he can be trusted even when he does allow us to suffer and make a mess of things.    We must never doubt the faithfulness of Jesus.  On him we can totally depend.

Abraham Lincoln was once challenged by his supporters about why he reached out to his political opponents and offered them positions in his government.  In reply Lincoln said: “When I make friends with my enemies then they are no longer my enemies.”  Lincoln’s answer was a simple statement of the obvious.  But it required greatness to put the obvious into practice.

If there is one thing we human beings have repeatedly failed to do down through history it is to love our enemies and to forgive those who offend us.  As a consequence we have experienced war, after war, after war.  There is nothing more futile than war, nothing more destructive, nothing more devastating to the human spirit.  Yet we persist in using it as a way of settling disputes, of defeating our enemies and as a means of asserting our power and gaining control.

It is understandable that one of the major concerns of Jesus was the building of community.  Jesus offered people a way of living together that would both respect difference and create unity and peace.  For Jesus the key to creating community was compassion.  “Be compassionate as your Father is compassionate” (Luke 6:36).  This one simple instruction is at the very heart of Jesus’ teaching.  Some would even say that it sums up his teaching.

Compassion begins with acceptance, unconditional acceptance of others.  Unconditional acceptance means that I accept others no matter what their colour, class, culture, religion and sexual orientation might be.  Compassion is also about my willingness to understand the experience of others, to listen to their stories, to hear what they are saying, to learn where they are coming from, to stand in their shoes.  In its purest form compassion is about my capacity to enter into the life of another at the level of emotion, where my heart knows the heart of the other. Compassion is what distinguishes the follower of Jesus; it is the mark of a true Christian.  It is the way to end war and conflict and create real community among the peoples of the world.  Compassion has its source in God who is compassion itself.  It is a gift, a gift that we must pray for, and pray for every day.

Jesus has been described as a man of prayer and a man of compassion.  This is certainly the way he comes across in the Gospel.  Indeed for Jesus prayer and compassion were like twin sisters that could not be separated.  

Jesus needed time to be alone.  He needed times of quiet, of silence in his life.  These times of silence gave him the opportunity to pray, to nourish his relationship with the one whom he called Abba Father.  For Jesus times of silence were an experience of solitude.  In the silence he was intimate with his Father.  Times of silence were so important to Jesus that he was prepared to get up very early in the morning to have them.

Jesus was also a man of compassion.  He responded to human need when he found it, in the form he found it.  Jesus was deeply aware of the burdens that people were carrying, of the pain, sickness and anxiety in the lives of those he came into contact with.  Jesus not only sympathised with people, he also empathised with them.  His own humanity enabled him to know the humanity of others.  Jesus’ struggle with his own human weakness allowed him to understand what human weakness can do to the lives of others.  “For the high priest we have is not incapable of feeling our weaknesses with us, but he has been tempted in exactly the same way as ourselves” (Heb 4:15).

The word connect is used a lot nowadays to describe the benefits of the internet and the mobile phone.  In our modern world we certainly have a variety of types of connection.  But not all of these bring depth to our relationships.  Prayer enabled Jesus to connect with his Father at a deep level.  Compassion enabled him to connect with other people at a deep level.  The human heart is made for deep connection.  We are made for friendship, friendship with God, friendship with other people.  Prayer feeds our friendship with God; compassion feeds our friendships with other people.  We can learn from the life of Jesus about the importance of prayer and compassion. We can also learn from Jesus not to separate these two beautiful and life-giving sources of connection.

Someone living in England once told me he believed with conviction that the dominant value in UK culture is work.  Work comes first.  It is more important than anything else.  If this is true, and there is plenty of evidence to suggest that it is, then people are measured by their productivity and by their usefulness.

My conversation with this man reminded me of something I once read in The Little Book of Calm.  “If you tend to get overly serious about your work and your responsibilities remind yourself that the most common deathbed regrets have to do with neglected relationships, not unfinished business.”   The truth is relationships are the most important thing in our lives, not work.  Of course we need to work, but we do not need to define ourselves by our work.  If we define ourselves by our capacity for work we lose touch with what it really means to be human.  We are, after all, called human beings not human doers! 

The consequences of a culture that makes work the number one priority are many.  Words like busyness, ambition, competition, exhaustion, burn- out, depression naturally come to mind.  But there are other things too perhaps less obvious.  Those who are unemployed or unemployable feel worthless.  Those who stay at home to look after children feel devalued.  Those who take time to relax and play feel guilty.  The work ethic that drives western culture and that supposedly creates prosperity does not make people feel any happier about themselves; in fact it makes them feel worse.

Jesus put relationships first.  For him who we are is much more important than what we do.  When Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of God he was not speaking about territory or politics or the exercise of power.  He was speaking about the way people relate to one another and to God.  Jesus sought to create an inclusive community, a community where people would experience relationships that are just, caring and compassionate.  For us, two thousand years later, the challenge remains the same: to make relationships, not work, our priority.

A number of years ago I attended a baptism.  After the baptism was over the grandfather of the child who was baptised said to me, “The best gift in life is the gift of a healthy child.”  What a wonderful thing it is to give birth, to bring new life into the world, to create a family.  Creating a family must be one of the most fulfilling and rewarding things that human beings can do.

Of course raising children is hard work.  It is a 24/7 business.  It involves making numerous daily sacrifices – early mornings, late nights, constant vigilance.  I once heard someone make this comment about raising children: “Give children plenty of who you are and little of what you have.”  What children need most is time and attention.  Time and attention are more important than things. When children get time and attention they feel loved and they feel secure.  The best preparation children get for life is the time and attention they receive from their parents.  There is much wisdom in the saying, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.”  Nowadays fathers are spending more time rocking the cradle.  Parenthood is a great vocation, but it does carry huge responsibility.

I once saw a plaque hanging on the wall of a kitchen that had these words written on it: “Home is the place where you grumble the most and are treated the best.”  That is a fairly good description of what it means to belong to a family.  In your own home, among the members of your family, you can let your hair down, give out about the world, complain about what is happening in your life and yet you know that you will always be accepted, cherished, and safe.  The love we receive within our families allows us to be ourselves.  It also enables us to live and work in the world with healthy self-esteem and self-confidence.

The relationships within the home are the most significant and important relationships in our lives.  And yet because of the pressures of life and the need to succeed we can end up neglecting the relationships within our homes.  The life of the family of Nazareth, known as the Holy Family, is a good example of quality relationships within the home.  Joseph, Mary and Jesus were attentive to one another; they made time for each other; they put one another first.  This helped them to deal with the hardships and challenges they had to face.  It also strengthened the bonds of love and peace that were between them. If we prioritise the relationships within our homes we too will experience the same resilience, love and peace.

I once heard God compared to a mother who took her three young children to the seaside on a summer’s day.  The children spent most of their time on the beach playing in the sand.  Each of them built a sand castle, according to his or her ability.  When they had finished their work their mother came to look at what they had done.  She praised each of them individually for their achievements.  On returning home the mother fed her children, washed them and put them to bed.  She then sat down to relax.  She was pleased with the day at the seaside, pleased mainly for two reasons; one, that her children were safe; two, that they enjoyed themselves.  And in the meantime the tide came in and washed away the sand castles her children had built.

It is November, the month when we remember the dead.  Remembering the dead is good for them and it is good for us.  It helps the dead on their journey to God and it helps us to get things into perspective.  One way of getting things into perspective is to ask ourselves this question: When our earthly life is over what will we leave behind us and what will we take with us?  Among the things we will definitely leave behind us are the sand castles we have built.  Our sandcastles are our property, our possessions, our projects.  While perhaps good in themselves these things are transient.  Like the children’s sandcastles on the beach they will be washed away by the tide of death.

One thing that will not be washed away by the tide of death is the relationships we have built in life.  A reflection in ‘The Little Book of Calm’ hits the nail on the head: “If you tend to get overly serious about your work and your responsibilities remind yourself that the most common deathbed regrets have to do with neglected relationships, not with unfinished business.”  Relationships are the most important thing in life.  It is the investment we make in relationships that we will take with us into God’s other world beyond the grave.

The poet William Blake once said: “We are put on earth a little space that we may learn to bear the beams of love.”  The purpose of life is to learn the art of loving.  It is our commitment to relationships that helps us learn the art of loving.  When we come before the Lord in death the thing he will be most interested in will be the love we carry in our hearts.

Jesus is an immortal diamond.  There are so many sides to him, so many ways of seeing him and of understanding the meaning of his life and mission. But no matter how we chose to understand Jesus we can never separate him from his Father.  The life and ministry of Jesus of Nazareth only make sense when seen in relation to God the Father, the one Jesus called Abba.  The Father is not just the best prism for gazing at Jesus.  He is the only prism.

There are many reasons why Jesus was sent into the world by the Father.  Here are three:

Firstly, Jesus is the one who reveals the Father.  St John the Evangelist writes: “No one has ever seen God.  It is the only Son who is nearest to the Father’s heart who has made him known” (John 1:18).  Jesus, the Father’s Beloved Son, has first-hand experience of the Father.  He knows the Father personally and intimately.  He knows who the Father is. He knows the contours of the Father’s heart and he knows the love that the Father has for humanity.  There is no one better ‘qualified’ to reveal the Father than Jesus.

Secondly, Jesus is the one who leads us to the Father’s house.  He shows us how to find our way back home.   This is what he means when he says, “I am the way, the truth and the life.  No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6).  In the Letter to the Hebrews Jesus is described as the pioneer and perfecter of our faith (see 12:2).  He is the one who leads us in our faith and brings it to completion.  If we did not have the guidance of Jesus we would find ourselves wandering around in a wilderness, lost and confused.  Jesus is our compass.  It is he who keeps us focused on our destination. And our destination is the house of the Father, the place where we will know that we are accepted, cherished and safe.

Finally, Jesus is our companion. Not only does he show us the way to the Father’s house, he also accompanies us on our journey there.  Jesus is not a detached authority figure who tells us what to do from a distance.  He is our brother who walks alongside us.  In the Incarnation Jesus made himself one with us.  He entered into solidarity with us, sharing our joys and our sorrows, our successes and our failures, our hopes and our fears.  And because of his resurrection Jesus continues to be present to us and in us as our invisible companion. On our journey home to the Father’s house we have the faithful friendship of Jesus. To know this is surely a source of both comfort and strength.

The human heart has a longing for happiness.  The difficulty is we end up looking for happiness in the wrong places.  This is because we are wounded and under the control of the false self.  Furthermore, the world in which we live is an imperfect place.  It is a broken world, a divided world, indeed a cruel world.  Our lives are affected by separation and self-interest and the evil we call sin.

One of the things that Mary the Mother of Jesus said to St Bernadette when she appeared to her at the Grotto in Lourdes was: “I do not promise you happiness in this life, only in the next.”  Christians believe that our desire for happiness will only be truly fulfilled in God’s other world beyond the grave; in the place we call heaven.  When Jesus speaks about happiness his concern is our lasting happiness, our eternal happiness.  He often refers to the things that lead to lasting happiness and to the things that do not.

Jesus is clear and sometimes blunt.  He tells us not to expect money or possessions or power or fame to make us happy.  These things do not satisfy the deeper hungers in our hearts.  Building our lives around accumulation and achievement and the constant need for human approval is futile and false.  For Jesus what makes us happy is loving relationships.  It is the quality of the relationships we have with ourselves, others and God that is the source of true happiness.

Building a relationship with God will certainly make us happy.  When we invest time developing a relationship with God we discover that God knows us personally and loves us unconditionally.  What is more, we discover that we have no need to prove ourselves to God or indeed to anyone else.  Building caring and compassionate relationships with other people will also make us happy.  Caring and compassionate relationships are what we long for and what we are made for.

We need to keep reminding ourselves that the only thing we can take with us when we die is the love in our hearts.  Everything else will be left behind.  Here is how The Little Book of Calm expresses this reality: “If you tend to get too serious about your work or your responsibilities it is good to remind yourself that the most common deathbed regrets have to do with neglected relationships, not unfinished business.”