Category: Relationships

I once heard God compared to a mother who took her three young children to the seaside on a summer’s day. The children spent most of their time on the beach playing in the sand. Each of them built a sandcastle, according to his or her ability. When they had finished their work, their mother came to look at what they had done. She praised each of them individually for their achievements. On returning home the mother fed her children, washed them and put them to bed. Then she sat down to relax. She was happy with the day at the seaside; pleased that her children enjoyed themselves on the beach and that they were safe. And in the meantime, the tide came in and washed away the sandcastles her children had built.

It is November. It is the month when we remember the dead and when we think about our own death. For all of us life is passing; it is transient. Death is inevitable. We have here no lasting city. The thought of our mortality at this wintertime gives us an opportunity to get things in perspective.

To get things in perspective it is helpful to ask ourselves some questions. One question we could do to ask ourselves during November is this: What will we have to leave behind us when our earthly life is over? Among the things we will definitely leave behind are the sandcastles we have built. Our sandcastles are more than the buildings we own. They are our projects, our investments, our businesses, our wealth, even our achievements. All these things may have preoccupied us in life, but they will be of little benefit to us in death.

Another question November brings is one that gets to the heart of the meaning of life. What will we take with us when our time in this world is over? The poet William Blake provides the answer: “We are put on earth a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love.” What will endure are the relationships we have built, including our relationship with God. Relationships are the most important thing in life. It is the investment we make in relationships that we will take with us into God’s other world beyond the grave. It is love and only love that will last. When we meet the Lord face to face in death the thing he will look for is the love in our hearts.

So, “if you tend to get overly serious about your work and your responsibilities remind yourself that the most common deathbed regrets have to do with neglected relationships, not unfinished business” (The Little Book of Calm).

The human heart has a longing for happiness.  The difficulty is we end up looking for happiness in the wrong places.  This is because we are wounded and under the control of what we call the ego or the false self.  Furthermore, the world in which we live is an imperfect place.  It is a broken world, a divided world, indeed a cruel world.  Our lives are affected by separation and self-interest and the evil we call sin.

One of the things that Mary the Mother of Jesus said to St Bernadette when she appeared to her at the Grotto in Lourdes was: “I do not promise you happiness in this life, only in the next.”  Christians believe that our desire for happiness will only be truly fulfilled in God’s other world beyond the grave; in the place we call heaven.  When Jesus speaks about happiness his concern is our lasting happiness, our eternal happiness.  He often refers to the things that lead to lasting happiness and to the things that do not.

Jesus is clear and sometimes blunt.  He tells us not to expect money or possessions or power or fame to make us happy.  These things do not satisfy the deeper hungers in our hearts.  Building our lives around accumulation and achievement and the constant need for human approval is futile and false.  For Jesus what makes us happy is loving relationships.  It is the quality of the relationships we have with ourselves, others and God that is the source of true happiness.

Building a relationship with God will certainly make us happy.  When we invest time developing a relationship with God we discover that God knows us personally and loves us unconditionally.  What is more, we realise that we have no need to prove ourselves to God or indeed to anyone else.  Building caring and compassionate relationships with other people will also make us happy.  Caring and compassionate relationships are what we long for and what we are made for.

We need to keep reminding ourselves that the only thing we can take with us when we die is the love in our hearts.  Everything else will be left behind.  Here is how The Little Book of Calm expresses this reality: “If you tend to get too serious about your work or your responsibilities it is good to remind yourself that the most common deathbed regrets have to do with neglected relationships, not unfinished business.”

It is not a good thing to put people on a pedestal. We are all weak, limited, imperfect and fickle.  We cannot not disappoint one another.  To expect too much from other human beings is to set ourselves up for constant disappointment.

It is the same with institutions.  If we put too much trust in institutions we are going to be let down.  In recent times we have seen how self-serving all the big institutions are.  The flaws of our politicians, our bankers and our church leaders have been exposed often dramatically and with devastating consequences.  No wonder so many people in our society seem to lack any kind of moral compass.

When it comes to the institution of the church it is important for us to realise that the church is not an end in itself but a means to an end.  The primary reason the church exists is to bring people into a relationship with God.  Our deepest belonging is to God.  This means that our security is to be found in the relationship God has with us not in the institutional life of the church.  People are often attracted to the church because they believe it will give them the certainty they crave.  Those who seek certainty in institutional religion have a tendency to cling to every detail of church teaching and practice.  No institution including the church can provide us with absolute certainty. Indeed, the desire for certainty can prevent us from putting our faith in a loving and dependable God.

To mature in our faith we must move from institutional belonging to encounter.  It is not enough for us to say that we belong to the church.  This will only satisfy some of our needs.  Sooner or later we must have an encounter with God.  An encounter with God is a uniquely personal experience and it helps us to take possession of the relationship God has with us.  Only a relationship with God can nourish the deeper longings in the human heart. An adult Christian is one who has encountered God and who finds love and security in a living relationship with God.

It is an encounter with God that brings us into the mystical stage of religion.  In the mystical stage of religion we know that we are loved unconditionally and that we have nothing to fear.  This is the stage when we discover that God is our rock, refuge and strength.  It is also the stage when we surrender and trust at deeper levels. Ultimately we must live by faith.  To live by faith is to anchor our lives in God in the sure knowledge that God who is relentless affection is totally faithful to us.

Christians believe that God is a Trinity of Persons, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  In other words, Christians believe that there is a community life in the reality we call God.  To find out what this means we can read the Scriptures.  We can also explore our human experience.  If God has created us and our world, and if God is Trinity, then the Trinitarian life of God must be reflected in our human lives in all sorts of ways.

An obvious way is our social nature.  We are social beings.  We create relationships and we sustain relationships.  In fact, without relationships we wither and die emotionally, even physically.  John Donne once said that no man is an island unto himself.  We cannot survive in isolation.  It is in living with others, it is in loving others, that we find meaning and that we become our true selves.

Another way is the power of cooperation.  When it comes to a project, a task, an undertaking, the best results are usually achieved when there is cooperation, when people work together as a team.  Ask any sports person, any project manager, any government and they will tell you that the team effort is the best effort, it is the most fruitful and successful effort.  It is also the effort that gives most satisfaction and fulfilment to all those involved.

Then there is the unity of creation.  One of the things we are becoming more aware of today is the way creation functions.  The created world is interdependent.  One part of it affects another.  For example, the cutting down of the rain forests in South America has an impact on climate patterns in Europe and Africa.  The laws of nature are finely balanced and when they are allowed to work together in unity and harmony they fulfil their purpose.

And finally, there is this attempt by a woman to describe what trinity means in her life:

“I am a daughter and a wife and mother – three things, yet I am one totality.  To my parents, I would always be their child.  To my husband, a companion and a mate.  To my children, the one who gave them birth and nurtured them till they reached adulthood.  I seem to each of them a different person.  They each know a different kind of ‘me.’  But I am one, within myself a trinity and each of them finds unity in me.”

We all need companionship in our lives.  Without some experience of companionship our lives can become lonely and sad.  When John Donne said that no man is an island unto himself he was giving expression to the need human beings have to be in relationship.  Of course companionship is much more than being social.  It is the experience of mutual presence.  It is a space where our capacity for life is nourished by others.  It creates the possibility of becoming intimate with someone. This is why the type of relationship we call companionship is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give to each other. 

There are different descriptions of what companionship actually is.  One model is what two people experienced as they travelled from Jerusalem to Emmaus after the death of Jesus.  On their journey they were joined by an apparent stranger who walked with them.  Their relationship with the stranger began with the experience of mutual acceptance and ended with a shared meal.  On the road there was attentive listening and soulful conversation.

This is a good example of what we might call Christian companionship.  Christian companionship has four aspects.  It begins with an attitude of acceptance that is inclusive and that transcends race, colour, religion, class and sexual orientation.  It offers people a listening hear and an opportunity to tell their story.  It allows soulful conversation to develop, the kind of conversation that gives expression to the things that truly matter.  And it includes the experience of a shared meal, which is sometimes referred to as table fellowship.  In fact the word companion comes from two Latin words ‘cum’ and ‘panis’ which literally mean ‘with bread.’

When we experience companionship in this way we find that the longing within us is satisfied.  The experience of Christian companionship can be the key to unlock our hearts.  It can also open up the teaching of Jesus allowing us to find meaning and life in the Gospel.  It is no wonder that the two people who were accompanied by Jesus on their journey from Jerusalem to Emmaus found themselves saying, “did not our hearts burn within us as he talked to us on the road and explained the scriptures to us” (Luke 24:32).

Loneliness is a painful condition affecting many people today.  Even before the social distancing caused by Covid 19, the loneliness people were experiencing in Britain was so dreadful and widespread that the Government there created a new ministerial post, Minister for Loneliness.

Loneliness is caused by isolation, the breakdown in relationships and the lack of real communication. It is true that the mobile phone and the internet are serving our need for connection, but the kind of connection they create is limited and often superficial.  They lack a mutual physical presence and depth of engagement which the human person is made for.  A contemporary phenomenon is the growth of the urban population.  But urbanisation is leaving those who are left in rural areas feeling more and more isolated and those who have moved into cities feeling lost in a vast sea of impersonal restless activity.   It is a fact that many people who live in cities do not know their neighbours.  Some even admit to the television being their main source of company.   Isolation and loneliness have the capacity to create darkness in the human heart which in turn leads to depression.  This is understandable since we are made for relationships.  To be human is to be in relationship.  To quote the well-known words of John Donne, “No man is an island unto himself.”

Those who feel isolated and lonely can find sources of company.  One source is the local parish.  A parish is a Christian community and it offers people opportunities to spend time together.  All parishes have a Sunday Eucharist and many have a daily one.  Some parishes have regular prayer meetings including faith sharing inspired by scripture.  Parishes also tend to have a variety of regular social events. These activities and more offer us ways to experience a sense of belonging and to become involved in the lives of others.

Another thing that can help us deal with the loneliness we feel is prayer.  Prayer has been described as company-keeping with the Lord.  There is a constant Presence in our lives waiting to be discovered.  This Presence, though invisible, is real and personal and it offers us love and friendship.  All we need do is find a way, our own way, of being aware of God’s presence.  If we are willing to turn to God in the silence of our hearts we will find a source of companionship that comforts us in our loneliness.  Through the experience of prayer it is possible to be alone but not feel lonely. This is because prayer turns silence into solitude. To experience solitude is to know that we are never alone.

I once heard God compared to a mother who took her three young children to the seaside on a summer’s day.  The children spent most of their time on the beach playing in the sand.  Each of them built a sandcastle, according to his or her ability.  When they had finished their work, their mother came to look at what they had done.  She praised each of them individually for their achievements.  On returning home the mother fed her children, washed them and put them to bed.  Then she sat down to relax.  She was happy with the day at the seaside; pleased that her children enjoyed themselves on the beach and that they were safe.  And in the meantime the tide came in and washed away the sandcastles her children had built.

It is November.  It is the month when we remember the dead and when we think about our own death.  For all of us life is passing; it is transient.  Death is inevitable.  We have here no lasting city.  The thought of our mortality at this winter time gives us an opportunity to get things in perspective.

To get things in perspective it is helpful to ask ourselves some questions. One question we could do to ask ourselves during November is this: What will we have to leave behind us when our earthly life is over?  Among the things we will definitely leave behind are the sandcastles we have built.  Our sandcastles are more than the buildings we own.  They are our projects, our investments, our businesses, our wealth, even our achievements.  All these things may have preoccupied us in life, but they will be of little benefit to us in death.

Another question November brings is one that gets to the heart of the meaning of life.  What will we take with us when our time in this world is over?  The poet William Blake provides the answer:  “We are put on earth a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love.”  What will endure are the relationships we have built, including our relationship with God.  Relationships are the most important thing in life.  It is the investment we make in relationships that we will take with us into God’s other world beyond the grave.  It is love and only love that will last.  When we meet the Lord face to face in death the thing he will look for is the love in our hearts.

So, “if you tend to get overly serious about your work and your responsibilities remind yourself that the most common deathbed regrets have to do with neglected relationships, not unfinished business” (The Little Book of Calm).

Even a brief look at the gospels reveals that a constant theme in the teaching of Jesus was the Kingdom of God.  Jesus made it clear that he had come to establish the Kingdom of God in the world.  His mission was to practice and preach the Kingdom.  The ministry of Jesus was to bring about the reign of God in our lives. 

For Jesus, the Kingdom of God is not a place or a territory.  It has nothing to do with geography or nationalism or indeed political power.  It is clear from the example and teaching of Jesus that the Kingdom of God is a way of life; it is about the values we chose to live by.  In particular, it is about the way we relate to each other.  In a word, it is about love.

Who then belongs to the Kingdom of God?  It would seem those who are sincerely trying to live what is known as the beatitudes in their daily lives.  These are the peacemakers, the gentle, the humble, the merciful, those who work for justice, those who are persecuted in the cause of right, those who have mellow and grateful hearts.   Jesus preaches a religion of the heart and his religion is about developing attitudes that create a right relationship with ourselves, other people, the environment and of course God.

It is important for us to realise that those who belong to the Kingdom of God may be members of the Church, but they may not. We cannot limit the Kingdom of God to the Church. To do so would be exclusive and misleading. Obviously the Church is a community where we are meant to experience the Kingdom of God, but there are many people who belong to the Kingdom of God who do not belong to the Church.  Indeed, there might be people who belong to the Kingdom of God and who do not have a conscious awareness of God in their lives.  We call these ‘anonymous Christians.’  Kingdom people are sincere people who show kindness and seek to do good. They try to make the world a better place, often working quietly in the background.  Kingdom people are a leaven in society.  They may not have a public profile but their positive influence is significant, reaching well beyond themselves and beyond even what they dare to imagine.  

Towards the end of St Matthew’s Gospel (chapter 25) Jesus makes it clear that we will be judged by the way we treat our neighbours, especially those who are struggling and suffering.  Surely this is the same yardstick for deciding who belongs to the Kingdom of God.

Christians believe that God is a Trinity of Persons, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  In other words, Christians believe that there is a community life in the reality we call God.  To find out what this means we can read the Scriptures.  But we can also explore our human experience.  If God has created us and our world, and if God is Trinity, then the Trinitarian life of God must be reflected in our human lives in all sorts of ways.

An obvious way is our social nature.  We are social beings.  We create relationships and we sustain relationships.  In fact, without relationships we wither and die emotionally, even physically.  John Donne once said that no man is an island unto himself.  We cannot survive in isolation.  It is in living with others, it is in loving others, that we find meaning and that we become our true selves.

Another way is the power of cooperation.  When it comes to a project, a task, an undertaking, the best results are usually achieved when there is cooperation, when people work together as a team.  Ask any sports person, any project manager, any government and they will tell you that the team effort is the best effort, it is the most fruitful and successful effort.  It is also the effort that gives most satisfaction and fulfilment to all those involved.

Then there is the unity of creation.  One of the things we are becoming more aware of today is the way creation functions.  The created world is interdependent.  One part of it affects another.  For example, the cutting down of the rain forests in South America has an impact on climate patterns in Europe and Africa.  The laws of nature are finely balanced and when they are allowed to work together in unity and harmony they fulfil their purpose.

And finally, there is this attempt by a woman to describe what trinity means in her life:

“I am a daughter and a wife and mother – three things, yet I am one totality.  To my parents, I would always be their child.  To my husband, a companion and a mate.  To my children, the one who gave them birth and nurtured them till they reached adulthood.  I seem to each of them a different person.  They each know a different kind of ‘me.’  But I am one, within myself a trinity and each of them finds unity in me.”

I once heard God compared to a mother who took her three young children to the seaside on a summer’s day.  The children spent most of their time on the beach playing in the sand.  Each of them built a sandcastle, according to his or her ability.  When they had finished their work, their mother came to look at what they had done.  She praised each of them individually for their achievements.  On returning home the mother fed her children, washed them and put them to bed.  Then she sat down to relax.  She was happy with the day at the seaside; pleased that her children enjoyed themselves on the beach and that they were safe.  And in the meantime the tide came in and washed away the sandcastles her children had built.

It is November.  It is the month when we remember the dead and when we think about our own death.  For all of us life is passing; it is transient.  Death is inevitable.  We have here no lasting city.  The thought of our mortality at this winter time gives us an opportunity to get things in perspective.

A way of getting things in perspective is to ask ourselves some questions. One question we could do to ask ourselves during November is this: What will we have to leave behind us when our earthly life is over?  Among the things we will definitely leave behind are the sandcastles we have built.  Our sandcastles are more than the buildings we own.  They are our projects, our investments, our businesses, our wealth, even our achievements.  All these things may have preoccupied us in life, but they will be of little benefit to us in death.

Another question November brings is one that gets to the heart of the meaning of life.  What will we take with us when our time in this world is over?  The poet William Blake provides the answer:  “We are put on earth a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love.”  What will endure are the relationships we have built, including our relationship with God.  Relationships are the most important thing in life.  It is the investment we make in relationships that we will take with us into God’s other world beyond the grave.  It is love and only love that will last.  When we meet the Lord face to face in death the thing he will look for is the love in our hearts. So, “if you tend to get overly serious about your work and your responsibilities remind yourself that the most common deathbed regrets have to do with neglected relationships, not unfinished business” (The Little Book of Calm).